Okay, here is a significantly expanded and more detailed rewrite of the satirical article, presented in Markdown format and aiming for a word count exceeding 600 words.
TO: NASA astronauts Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore
FROM: The Trump Administration (Purportedly)
SUBJECT: Welcome back! A Patriotic Overhaul Awaits!
On behalf of your savior, President Donald J. Trump, the undisputed titan of American leadership, welcome back to Earth, or as we now affectionately call it, "The Planet of America." We trust your extended sojourn among the stars was sufficiently boring without the constant stream of patriotic pronouncements and groundbreaking policy shifts that have defined our glorious transformation here.
It was a moment of unparalleled national pride to witness your safe touchdown in that SpaceX Dragon capsule, a marvel of engineering directly inspired by President Trump’s close friendship and occasional golf outings with the visionary, Elon Musk. Speaking of Mr. Musk, he, like the President, is a man of action, a doer, someone who understands that America needs to be great again. And speaking of things you should do – to properly demonstrate your appreciation for the technological marvel that brought you home, we strongly suggest, as a matter of patriotic duty, that each of you acquire a Tesla. A fully charged Tesla, mind you. You might find that charging stations at federal buildings have been… repurposed. Something to do with energy independence, the President says. (Don’t ask too many questions, it’s probably beyond your astronaut brains anyway.)
As you may have gleaned from that preceding, flawlessly crafted paragraph, the Planet of America has undergone a series of… enhancements. A makeover, if you will. Think of it as a patriotic upgrade, a version 2.0, if you will. The Gulf of Mexico, for instance, has been rebranded as the Gulf of America. It just sounds better, doesn’t it? More… American.
In the interests of national unity and historical revisionism, all the participants in that unfortunate incident on January 6th have received presidential pardons. It was a misunderstanding, a passionate display of patriotism gone slightly awry. Now, they are all productive members of society. Well, mostly.
And leading the charge against Big Pharma and liberal doctors is our newly appointed Secretary of Health, a true visionary who, after years of independent research, has determined that the best way to combat bird flu is to… let it run its course. Natural immunity is the real immunity, folks. Also, you might want to avoid shaking hands with anyone for a few weeks. Just in case. Measles is also making a comeback, a testament to the failure of liberal vaccines and a victory for American exceptionalism. You can thank our visionary leader, President Trump.
Regarding the economy, the Dow Jones Industrial Average has been exhibiting concerning levels of… unpatriotic behavior. It’s fluctuating, which is a subtle form of treason. The President, ever vigilant, is considering implementing tariffs on stocks to ensure they remain aligned with the national interest. If the Dow does not respond favorably, the President will also consider a golf handicap on those involved. That’ll get the damn Dow working!
You might also notice that our nation is now operating under a system best described as "democracy-ish." It’s like a democracy, but with a bit more… executive authority. The President is making unilateral decisions. Judges, for instance, aren’t always taken as seriously as they once were, particularly those who demonstrate a lack of appreciation for the President’s vision. Certain individuals who express viewpoints contrary to the prevailing patriotic narrative are being… relocated. These individuals are being offered complimentary, one-way flights to locations where they can… reconsider their perspectives. It’s all part of a new national retraining program. (Think of it as an all expenses paid vacation! Except there are no return tickets.)
All of the developments described above are, without a doubt, improvements. You will both acknowledge and celebrate President Trump’s unwavering leadership and unparalleled achievements. Failure to do so may result in… further opportunities to explore the vast expanse of space. We are joking! Mostly. You should absolutely take this very, very seriously.
Another crucial element of patriotic citizenship in the Planet of America is to refrain from excessive scrutiny of your 401(k). Checking your investments is basically a form of economic sedition. You wouldn’t want to be unpatriotic, would you?
The administration is overjoyed to welcome you back, though our new diversity, equity, and inclusion guidelines do mandate that we express a marginally greater level of enthusiasm for astronaut Wilmore, given his… inherent demographic advantages. The era of prioritizing female astronauts is over. The fact that Williams surpassed Peggy Whitson’s record for spacewalking time will be expunged from all official records. The fact that she is a woman is regrettable. The fact that she is a woman of color is almost an insult.
Before you officially re-enter the glorious borders of the Planet of America, we will need you both to present your passports and proof of citizenship. However, because of lingering questions around Williams’ name "Suni," she will be subject to additional scrutiny. We trust Wilmore implicitly. That’s just the kind of face we expect our astronauts to have.
In the event that astronaut Williams does not meet the Trump administration’s… updated criteria for entry, she will be temporarily accommodated, at no expense to her, in either a cozy holding cell at Guantanamo Bay or a charming El Salvadoran correctional facility. It is also possible that she might be offered a return trip to the stars courtesy of Mr. Musk and the development of some new rocket. We assure you that the risk of spontaneous combustion is minimal.
As you can plainly see, America has undergone a period of unprecedented advancement during your absence. We eagerly anticipate your glowing testimonials regarding the vast improvements in our nation, provided, of course, that you value your continued well-being.
Welcome back to the greatest country on Earth, thanks to the unparalleled brilliance of President Donald J. Trump.
P.S. Mr. Musk, in a move lauded by fiscal conservatives, has defunded NASA. Consequently, you are both terminated. Enjoy your Teslas, if you still have money.
MAGA! (and don’t forget to buy a golden statue of Trump and place it in your living room!)
— The Trump administration (probably)
