A Modest Proposal for a MAGA Pope: A Letter to the Papal Conclave

To the esteemed Cardinals assembled in Vatican City,

Greetings from the heart of America, where freedom rings and eagles soar – and where, I might add, President Donald J. Trump reigns supreme in the hearts of patriots. As you embark on the solemn task of selecting the next leader of the Catholic Church, the Trump administration, in its boundless wisdom and unparalleled understanding of what truly makes things great, feels compelled to offer a few suggestions, a gentle nudge, if you will, towards a future where the papacy aligns seamlessly with the principles of MAGA.

Let’s be clear, this is not a demand, nor is it a threat, though we do possess capabilities that would make the walls of Jericho tremble. Rather, consider it a friendly proposition, a way to ensure the Catholic Church remains relevant, powerful, and, dare I say, profitable in the modern era.

Firstly, and most importantly, the next pope must embody the spirit of unwavering self-confidence and the art of persuasive articulation, qualities our beloved President Trump has perfected. The ability to declare victory, even in the face of undeniable evidence to the contrary, is crucial. Forget about admitting mistakes or seeking forgiveness; those are relics of a bygone era. The MAGA pope must stand firm, unflinching, and always, always project an image of absolute strength. Truth, as they say, is subjective, and the only truth that matters is the one that serves the greater purpose. In this case, the greater purpose is Making Catholicism Great Again.

Imagine a pontiff who dismisses inconvenient truths as "fake news," who skillfully deflects criticism with a well-timed tweet, and who commands attention with pronouncements that resonate with the common man. No more complex theological debates or nuanced moral arguments. The MAGA pope will speak directly to the people, in terms they understand, and he will never back down from a fight.

Secondly, the next pope must embrace the principles of capitalism and recognize the inherent goodness of wealth. The days of denouncing greed and advocating for the poor are over. The Catholic Church has vast resources, and it’s time to put them to work, not for the benefit of the less fortunate, but for the glory of the Church itself. A MAGA pope would understand the importance of investing in cryptocurrency, striking lucrative merchandising deals, and maximizing profits at every turn. He would preach the gospel of prosperity and teach the faithful that financial success is a sign of divine favor.

Forget about that tired old adage about money being the root of all evil. The MAGA pope knows that money is the root of all things awesome. With enough money, the Church can build bigger cathedrals, acquire more priceless artifacts, and exert even greater influence on the world stage. And let’s be honest, a little bit of "bling" never hurt anyone.

Thirdly, the next pope should reconsider the Church’s somewhat outdated obsession with kindness and compassion. While these qualities may have served a purpose in the past, they are increasingly seen as signs of weakness in today’s dog-eat-dog world. The MAGA pope must be willing to make tough decisions, even if they cause pain or suffering. He must be prepared to confront enemies, both internal and external, and to crush them without mercy.

Consider the wisdom of Proverbs, which suggests that a cruel man hurts himself. A MAGA pope would understand that this is simply not true. Sometimes, a little bit of cruelty is necessary to achieve a greater good. President Trump has demonstrated this time and time again, and his success speaks for itself. The ends, as they say, justify the means.

Furthermore, a MAGA pope would understand the importance of border security. The Vatican, like America, must be protected from the influx of undesirable elements. No more free meals or foot washes for the poor and downtrodden. If they can’t contribute to the greater good of the Church, they should be deported. Call them criminals, gang members, whatever it takes to get rid of them.

And finally, let’s talk about prayer tariffs. For too long, the Church has allowed people to pray for free, reaping the benefits of divine intervention without contributing a single penny to the Church’s coffers. This is simply unacceptable. A MAGA pope would institute a reasonable tariff on prayers, ensuring that the Church receives its fair share of the blessings. Imagine the revenue that could be generated! The Vatican could be swimming in gold, which, as President Trump has so eloquently stated, is next to godliness.

I understand that these suggestions may seem radical, even shocking, to some of you. But I urge you to consider the possibilities. A MAGA pope would revitalize the Catholic Church, making it stronger, richer, and more influential than ever before. He would be a leader who commands respect, who inspires loyalty, and who embodies the spirit of Make America Great Again.

If you choose to ignore our advice, well, let’s just say that America has a way of getting what it wants. We might even be tempted to rename Vatican City "Godtown USA." But I’m confident that you will make the right decision, the MAGA decision, and together, we can usher in a new era of greatness for the Catholic Church.