The Hidden Costs of the "Tradwife" Ideal: Children Speak Out
This story, originally featured in Vox’s Kids Today newsletter, delves into the often-unseen perspective of children raised in families adhering to traditional gender roles, particularly those influenced by conservative Christian ideologies. These families, sometimes referred to as "tradwives," present a specific image of domestic life, and this article examines the lived experiences of those who grew up within this framework, revealing a reality far more nuanced and complex than the curated images often found on social media.
The tradwife aesthetic, popularized by social media figures like Hannah Neeleman (@ballerinafarm) and Kelly Havens Stickle, projects an idealized vision of motherhood. These influencers showcase a life filled with homemade meals, meticulously crafted crafts, and a seemingly endless capacity for nurturing young children, all while maintaining a serene and orderly home. This performance of "traditional" femininity, as described by Kristin Kobes Du Mez, a professor of history who studies gender and religion, is carefully constructed and often obscures the challenges and potential drawbacks of such a lifestyle.
The allure of this idealized image lies in its promise of fulfillment and purpose for women, suggesting that dedicating oneself to home and family is the "best, healthiest way to raise kids." However, the reality experienced by many growing up in these environments paints a different picture. While some children fondly recall the baking and crafting, others remember endless chores, a lack of personal time, and a heavy burden of responsibility for younger siblings.
Sara Doan, now a professor at Michigan State University, remembers her childhood as "unrelenting drudgery." As the eldest of eight children in a conservative Catholic family, she was tasked with managing housework from a young age. Her responsibilities quickly escalated to cooking, doing dishes, and even homeschooling herself while her mother cared for her younger siblings and her father worked long hours at his auto-body shop.
The article emphasizes the difficulty in obtaining concrete data on trad families due to the term’s ambiguity and evolving definitions. While some conservative Christian stay-at-home mothers homeschool their children, others do not. Similarly, Mormon families may embrace tradwife values while adhering to distinct religious beliefs. Furthermore, the size of these families varies widely. Despite these variations, a common thread unites many conservative Christians: the belief that a traditional setup, with the wife at home and the husband as the primary breadwinner, represents a faithful ideal, even if it’s not attainable for everyone.
However, a growing number of ex-tradwives and their children are stepping forward to share their experiences and explain why they chose to leave the lifestyle behind. Brianna Bell, a former tradwife turned journalist, recalls being "obsessed" with the idea of a traditional nuclear family after attending a Baptist church. She married young and embraced the role of a "sacrificial mother," prioritizing her husband, children, and God above all else. While her children have positive memories of this period, Bell’s perspective shifted after reading Christian childrearing books like To Train Up a Child, which advocates corporal punishment. Her discomfort with the idea of her children as inherent sinners marked her departure from the tradwife lifestyle.
The article highlights the potential dangers of such ideologies, referencing the deaths of three children in the 2000s and 2010s who were beaten in manners described in "To Train Up a Child." While child abuse is not exclusive to any religion or culture, homeschooling can inadvertently isolate children and make abuse more difficult to detect.
For Sara Doan, homeschooling was largely self-directed. After a fifth-grade science lesson on the colors of the rainbow, her education took a backseat to her mother’s expanding family. While Doan’s love of reading allowed her to piece together her own learning with the help of the library, she struggled with subjects like chemistry and math. Beyond academics, Doan was responsible for cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping, adhering to strict dietary rules imposed by her father.
The article underscores that the tradwife lifestyle extends beyond homemaking; it often involves a rigid hierarchy within the family, where women are expected to submit to their husbands’ authority. Enitza Templeton recounts spending countless hours preparing elaborate meals for her husband, time she could have spent with her children. The realization that she was prioritizing these prescribed roles over her children’s needs led her to reconsider her marriage.
Templeton’s concern for her daughters’ future motivated her decision to leave. She worried that they would internalize the tradwife ideal as their only option. Now divorced, Templeton actively encourages her children to explore their own paths and understand that they have endless possibilities beyond the confines of traditional expectations.
Sarah, another former trad kid, echoes this sentiment. Growing up in a conservative evangelical community, she was expected to become a stay-at-home mom. She argues that the tradwife lifestyle requires women to abandon their individuality and relinquish any autonomy. Even though Sarah chose a different path, pursuing a career, traveling, and forgoing motherhood, she still finds herself grappling with the ingrained patterns of self-abandonment she learned as a child.
Doan emphasizes the lasting impact of this upbringing, noting that even simple choices, like deciding what to eat for dinner, can be challenging because she was never allowed to express her own desires.
The article concludes by noting the concerning trend of valorizing large families and restricting reproductive rights, particularly within the Trump administration. Du Mez warns that tradwife content is being used to counter criticisms of coercion, presenting the lifestyle as a liberating choice for women.
However, Doan offers a different message to children growing up in trad homes today: "Hold tight to whatever makes you human. You are worthy, and it gets so much better when you can leave." This message of hope and empowerment emphasizes the importance of self-discovery and the possibility of breaking free from prescribed roles. The article serves as a crucial reminder that the idealized image of the tradwife lifestyle often masks a more complicated and challenging reality for those who grow up within its confines, urging readers to consider the perspectives of the children whose voices are often unheard.
