A Mother’s Day of Remembrance and Resolve

This column discusses gun violence and suicide. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org.

Mother’s Day is traditionally a celebration of the bonds of love and family, a day steeped in cherished rituals. We envision breakfasts lovingly prepared and served in bed, the exchange of heartfelt cards overflowing with affection, and the simple, yet profound, joy of hearing a child’s voice declare, "I love you, Mom." For many, it is a day bathed in warmth and happiness.

However, for mothers like us, Mother’s Day is also a uniquely poignant and painful reminder of absence, a stark and unavoidable confrontation with the empty spaces left by the children who should be here but are not. Our children, Dylan and Ella, should be present in our lives, filling our homes with the sounds of laughter, our days with the energy of their presence, and our arms with the comfort of their love. Instead, we are left with the enduring echo of their absence, a void that can never truly be filled, and an enduring grief that time may soften but will never completely erase.

Our children, though distinct individuals with their own unique personalities and passions, shared unexpected common threads that bind them together in our memories. They both possessed an affinity for the color purple, a color often associated with royalty, creativity, and spirituality. They both shared a deep and unbreakable bond with their brothers, who served as their closest confidantes and unwavering best friends. And they both possessed radiant smiles, smiles that held the power to illuminate any room they entered, smiles that reflected the joy and vitality they brought into the world. Tragically, both of our beloved children died from preventable violence, a reality that underscores the urgent need for change.

Dylan was a mere six years old, a bright and innocent child just beginning to explore the world around him, when his life was brutally cut short in the horrific Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting. Ella, a young woman full of promise and potential, was 24 years old when she succumbed to the darkness of depression and died by suicide. Both of their untimely deaths left behind families shattered by grief, families forced to grapple with the unimaginable pain of losing a child.

In the wake of these devastating losses, our families were faced with a profound and life-altering choice. Confronted with the overwhelming weight of unimaginable grief, we could have succumbed to despair, allowing ourselves to be consumed by the darkness that threatened to engulf us. Or, we could choose to channel our love for our children, the love that remained undiminished by death, into meaningful action, transforming our grief into a force for positive change.

We chose action.

Neither of us ever imagined that we would experience the agonizing pain of losing a child, let alone to the devastating consequences of gun violence or suicide. Yet, the grim reality is that gun violence and suicide are the two leading causes of death for young people in America, a statistic that demands urgent attention and decisive action. In a single year, more than 7,000 Americans between the ages of 10 and 24 died by suicide, a heartbreaking testament to the mental health crisis plaguing our nation. In the current year alone, more than 1,400 young people under the age of 18 have been killed by gun violence, and nearly 3,800 have suffered injuries, painting a grim picture of the dangers facing our youth.

In the agonizing aftermath of Dylan’s death, Nicole channeled her grief into action by helping to launch Sandy Hook Promise, an organization dedicated to preventing school shootings and gun violence through education and awareness. Sandy Hook Promise empowers young people to recognize the warning signs of potential violence or self-harm, encouraging them to speak up, intervene, and create inclusive and safe school environments where all students feel valued and supported. Through its comprehensive "Know the Signs" programs, Sandy Hook Promise has trained millions of students and adults to identify these crucial warning signs, equipping them with the knowledge and skills necessary to intervene and prevent tragedies. These efforts have demonstrably saved lives, preventing at least 18 planned school shootings and saving more than 700 lives from suicide.

Driven by the same desire to honor her daughter’s memory and prevent future tragedies, Martha and her family launched The Defensive Line in honor of Ella. The Defensive Line is committed to breaking the stigma surrounding mental health and suicide, particularly within Black and Brown communities, which often face unique barriers to accessing mental health care. The organization reaches thousands of individuals through workshops and community programs, equipping them with the tools and resources necessary to address mental health crises and support those in need. The Defensive Line fosters open and honest conversations about mental health, empowers people to recognize the signs of distress, and ensures that no one feels alone in their darkest moments. By breaking down the stigma surrounding mental health and promoting open communication, The Defensive Line aims to save lives and create a more supportive and understanding community.

The work of our organizations, while deeply fulfilling, does not ease the profound pain of losing our children. It is not work we ever anticipated doing, nor is it work that any parent should ever have to undertake. But it does give our love for our children a purpose and a direction, transforming our grief into a force for positive change. It provides a pathway for other families, a chance to keep their children safe from the preventable tragedies that took our children from us.

Mother’s Day will never be the same for us. There will always be an empty seat at the table, a card that will never be written, an echo of an "I love you" that will never be heard again. But we carry our children in our hearts, their memories forever etched in our minds, and their spirit guiding our missions.

To every mother who, like us, is missing a child due to gun violence, suicide, or any other tragedy, we want you to know that you are not alone. We share your heartbreak, we understand your pain, and we stand in solidarity with you. And to every mother who does not share our grief, we would be honored for you to join us in our efforts to prevent future tragedies.

This Mother’s Day, we urge you to honor your children by taking these simple yet powerful steps: Talk openly about mental health with your family, creating a safe and supportive environment where everyone feels comfortable sharing their feelings and seeking help when needed. Support organizations like ours through donations or volunteering, contributing to the vital work of preventing gun violence and suicide. And advocate for commonsense policies that protect children from preventable tragedies, demanding that our leaders take action to create a safer world for our youth. Channel your love for your children into action that demands change, working together to keep them safe from harm.

Though Mother’s Day will forever carry a shadow of loss for us, it also carries a glimmer of hope. Hope that through collective action, through our shared commitment to creating a safer world, no other family will have to endure this pain. Together, we can turn love into purpose and create a world where all children can thrive.

Nicole Hockley is the cofounder and CEO of Sandy Hook Promise. Martha Thomas is the cofounder and chief education officer of The Defensive Line.