Met Gala 2025: A Fashionably Clueless Take on Sports Stars
So, apparently, I’m now a fashion critic. Yes, you read that right. A 28-year-old man whose sartorial expertise peaks at owning a surprisingly large collection of shirts stained with Cheeto dust has been deemed worthy by USA Today to judge the outfits of sports stars at the 2025 Met Gala. I’m as baffled as you are. Perhaps they mistook my profound ability to identify comfortable sweatpants as a keen eye for haute couture. The only qualification I can honestly claim is that my boss’s fashion choices are demonstrably worse than mine, which, trust me, sets a very low bar.
I’ve never even watched the Met Gala before. I only have a vague understanding it is an annual event where celebrities parade around in extravagant outfits, hoping to impress the fashion elite, all while bracing themselves for a barrage of scathing critiques. My three female friends have each offered to drag me on shopping sprees to remedy my abysmal fashion sense. I’ve successfully avoided those excursions. Yet, here I am, ready to unleash my unrefined opinions on unsuspecting athletes.
The theme this year is "Superfine: Tailoring Black Style." Now, I’m a white guy with zero discernible style, so, fair warning, that theme will be largely ignored in my assessments. I’ll be judging these outfits based on the highly scientific criteria of "Does it look cool?" and "Does it make me want to buy it?" Prepare for a deluge of uninformed, possibly offensive, and undoubtedly hilarious commentary.
Noah Lyles: The fastest man alive showed up in Thom Browne. Is that good? I have no idea. However, the spelling with an "e" at the end definitely elevates the perceived classiness. Lyles is sporting a very respectable jacket and a solid cane. The rings and jewelry are also on point. However, the shorts and jacket combination is a bold choice. I’m a fan of track stars showing off their legs, but the tube socks covering a significant portion of them feel like a missed opportunity. Final Verdict: A solid effort, but the sock situation needs revisiting.
Serena Williams: Fur coat? Fantastic. The short skirt feels like a subtle nod to her tennis legacy, and the dark green color complements her skin tone beautifully. Her hair almost looks angelic. It’s an undeniably great look. But… what’s with the pocket? A basic, envelope-shaped pocket that clashes with the overall aesthetic of the outfit. Am I missing some high-fashion nuance here? Probably. Do I care? Absolutely not. Final Verdict: A near-perfect ensemble ruined by a perplexing pocket.
Simone Biles: Incredible. That’s all I have to say. The entire outfit flows seamlessly. The only minor quibble is the train, which looks bulky and heavy. Dragging that around all night must be a Herculean feat. Final Verdict: A breathtaking triumph.
Unknown Celebrity: When in doubt, go with the basics. A nice jacket, a slender black skirt, and a well-fitting top. It’s a safe bet, and hard to criticize. However, compared to the extravagance on display tonight, this outfit feels underwhelming. Where are the sparkles? The diamonds? It’s something you’d see at a fancy dinner, not the Met Gala. Final Verdict: Safe, stylish, but ultimately forgettable.
Lewis Hamilton: Europeans often claim superiority in fashion, and Hamilton’s outfit isn’t helping my American pride. He resembles a stereotypical foreign dictator from a superhero movie. That’s oddly flattering, and also makes this dangerous. The vest is immaculate, eye-catching yet subtle, strategically positioned beneath a great-looking jacket. The black slacks are a classic choice. But the undershirt… what is that monstrosity? A tuxedo T-shirt? It ruins the entire effect. Hamilton could have bared some chest, it would have been great. This fake tie is unforgivable, and for that alone, the outfit fails. Final Verdict: A fantastic effort sabotaged by an atrocious undershirt.
Serena Williams: Now, this I can get behind. The tail may give off "king-sized comforter" vibes, but the rest of the outfit is divine. You could drop her into any Broadway play about ancient gods, and she’d fit right in. The transparent streak across the thigh? Chef’s kiss. Final Verdict: A goddess among mortals.
Saquon Barkley: He looks good, but… for a man attending junior prom. The shoes are polished enough for the Met Gala, but the rest of the outfit is bland. It’s a well-fitted black suit with a pocket square. Anyone can pull that off. Final Verdict: Too basic for the Met Gala.
Joe Burrow: A suit I can appreciate. Top button undone to reveal a necklace, no pocket square but a fancy broach, square sunglasses. It screams, "I know how to dress well, and you don’t." That subtle arrogance is why he’s an elite quarterback. Final Verdict: Style with swagger.
Kristen Stewart: I don’t know what’s happening with her hair. It’s a mix of Cruela de Vil, Brandon Routh’s Superman, and the poster for A Nightmare Before Christmas. Keep in mind, I could never get my hair to look that good. The rest of the ensemble is great. The necklace hangs perfectly, and the all-white outfit isn’t overwhelming. The hat tilt is a nice touch. This feels more like the Kentucky Derby than the Met Gala. Final Verdict: Well-executed, but misplaced.
Simone Biles: I don’t know which outfit I like more, Simone Biles’s or Angel Reese’s. This fit goes incredibly hard, blending a traditional sleek look with modern design. The more I look at it, the more I love it. I can’t find anything wrong with it. Final Verdict: Remarkable.
Colin Kaepernick: Suits are easy, but a checkered red suit with a cloth over the back can be risky. Kaepernick pulls it off flawlessly. From the pin to the rings to the singular button, it all works. The only gripe is the collar. Why are the tips not pointed? Final Verdict: Perfect, except for the collar.
Angel Reese: While I love the beads dangling from the sleeves, the sleeves themselves are too wide. They’d be better as soft fabric dangling on her elbow or lower tricep. They probably make it tough to fit through doorways. The vest and outfit both look tremendous, and she looks incredible in bright red, but I can’t get over those sleeves. Final Verdict: Great outfit ruined by unfortunate sleeves.
Sha’Carri Richardson: Given what she’s worn in the past, this seems almost tame. But it’s not bad. She looks elegant, and the pink and yellow colors match effortlessly. The long, dark hair is an incredible look that contrasts with the outfit. Final Verdict: No complaints, just praise.
Justin Jefferson: I believe Justin Jefferson modeled his entire look off Michael B. Jordan. He looks like he runs a speak easy in the bayou. The no-belt and high-waisted look on the pants are working for him. I don’t even mind the tie tucked into the pants. None of this outfit is particularly bad, but none of it stands out. Final Verdict: Edging out Barkley due to ambition.
