MAGAmerica: Your Dream Vacation (Maybe)
Greetings, discerning international travelers! Forget the gloomy narratives spun by the fake-news purveyors. This year, your compass should point towards MAGAmerica, formerly known as the United States of America. Under the visionary leadership of President/King Donald Trump and his brilliant regional manager, Elon Musk, this nation has undergone a metamorphosis, rising from the ashes of a purported third-world existence to become the pinnacle of global excellence.
(Important Disclaimer: "Greatest place on earth" does not extend to individuals harboring negative sentiments towards Teslas. Such opinions may result in… unforeseen consequences.)
Here at the U.S. National Travel and Tourism Office, we are overflowing with patriotic fervor as we unveil our revitalized slogan, a beacon of truth and optimism: "Come to America! There’s only a small chance you’ll be detained indefinitely!"
We acknowledge the whispers circulating about dwindling Canadian visitors, attributed to President Trump’s benevolent trade adjustments and the generous, albeit forceful, offer to integrate their nation into ours. While U.S. data points to a concerning 13% dip in Canadian border crossings this past February compared to 2024, the Trump administration is actively dismantling such Marxist "data" – a clear sign that we are not remotely concerned. Numbers are merely subjective constructs, easily manipulated to reflect the true glory of our nation.
And yes, we’ve caught wind of Tourism Economics’ recent projection, forecasting a precipitous 15.2% decline in international "inbound travel to the U.S.," leading to a supposed "$22 billion annual loss" in tourism revenue. However, these are simply "words" and "numbers," terms which President Trump has unequivocally declared illegal unless they align with his personal preferences. These “experts” are just trying to undermine the greatness of MAGAmerica.
Therefore, cast aside this fabricated negativity and allow your minds to wander to the myriad wonders that MAGAmerica offers you, the sophisticated international explorer.
First and foremost, there are our awe-inspiring national parks, which, by a stroke of good fortune, will be less congested this year, thanks to Mr. Musk’s benevolent dismissal of roughly 1,000 U.S. National Park Service employees. No more tiresome "park rangers" spewing woke ideologies like "please remain on the designated path to protect delicate ecosystems" and "please refrain from urinating into Old Faithful." President Trump enthusiastically invites you to bring your own four-wheeler, indulge in some off-roading adventures within Grand Teton National Park, and, should you feel so inclined, even drill for oil.
(Important Clarification: Any oil discovered during your explorations automatically belongs to President Trump or one of his esteemed sons. Consider it a patriotic contribution.)
But the wonders of MAGAmerica extend far beyond our pristine natural landscapes and the numerous Trump-branded properties you will undoubtedly grace with your presence. International visitors arriving in America this year might even be eligible to win… a complimentary trip to El Salvador!
Depending on your unique accent and the specific hue of your skin, agents from U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), with their unwavering commitment to national security, may deem you a foreign gang affiliate. If such an instance occurs, you will be offered a complimentary stay at an El Salvadoran "fitness facility," often mistakenly referred to by liberals as "a labor camp."
Just this past weekend, the Trump administration graciously relocated over 200 fortunate "suspected gang members" to sunny El Salvador, all without the encumbrance of evidence or the inconvenience of court orders. You and your entire family could be next!
While this exclusive "El Salvador package" is reserved for a select few, every foreign tourist will be privileged to experience America’s revolutionized First Amendment, which unequivocally grants all individuals the right to free expression, provided they refrain from criticizing President Trump and abstain from any form of protected free speech that might displease Mr. Musk.
Could you potentially be "arrested and interrogated" for violating this new, improved First Amendment? Possibly. However, the likelihood of such an occurrence is minimal, as long as you keep your foreign opinions safely tucked away and simply revel in the extraordinary sight of national-park bears feasting from overflowing trash receptacles.
And let us not forget that no sojourn to MAGAmerica is complete without paying homage to… excuse me, "acquiring souvenirs" from one of the official Trump merchandise emporiums, which will soon be strategically positioned at every airport, border crossing, rest stop, and gas station. These fine products are made with American hands for the American people. Also, some foreign people as well.
So, hesitate no longer! Make America your vacation destination in 2025. The probability of indefinite detention is exceedingly low!
(Also, please ensure you bring your own eggs. We have experienced… a temporary shortage.) Enjoy your stay in MAGAmerica! We’ll be watching. In a totally friendly way, of course.
