Stella, a 38-year-old teacher, finds herself in a situation many modern couples face: she is the primary breadwinner in her household. While a good income is generally a positive thing, it has placed her in a position that brings both financial security and emotional challenges. Her experience highlights the complexities of modern relationships, particularly when one partner significantly out-earns the other, and the ripple effects this has on childcare, work-life balance, and personal fulfillment.
Stella and her husband both work reduced hours at 60% of full time. However, due to her position as a tenured teacher, Stella’s net income is significantly higher. She takes home 2,600 Euros per month after health insurance deductions, a sum that is double her husband’s earnings of 1,300 Euros as a bookseller. Although he receives occasional advances and stipends for his writing and publishing endeavors, adding between 2,000 and 3,000 Euros to their vacation fund annually, Stella’s income provides the stable base for their family. They also receive 570 Euros in care allowance for their four-year-old daughter, who was born with heart and kidney problems, as well as visual and auditory impairments, requiring constant care and attention.
The couple’s roles have evolved considerably since the birth of their daughter. Before she was born, both worked full-time, and while Stella’s salary was still higher, her husband’s contribution to the total household income was more substantial. After their daughter’s birth, Stella reduced her working hours first to 70% and then to 60%, mirroring her husband’s shift to part-time work. Their daughter attends daycare and enjoys it, but her health necessitates frequent interventions. The daycare often calls when she experiences breathing difficulties or swallowing problems, requiring one of them to pick her up. Stella usually assumes this responsibility, leaving her classroom and relying on colleagues to cover her absence.
This arrangement has not been without its consequences. Stella admits to acquiring a reputation among her colleagues as the teacher who is frequently absent. While they are generally understanding of her situation, she still feels self-conscious. Even some of her students have noticed her absences, adding to her discomfort. She tries to schedule doctor’s appointments during her free time, but a full-time job would exacerbate the problem, leading to even more disruptions and apologies. Her husband’s small team at the bookstore makes it difficult for him to leave work on short notice, solidifying Stella’s role as the primary caregiver during work hours. The school employs 30 teachers making it easier to find substitutes.
The imbalance extends beyond work hours. Stella finds herself taking on the majority of household management tasks, from buying gifts for birthday parties to scheduling doctor’s appointments and applying for care allowances. She also handles most of the communication with the babysitter. This unequal distribution of labor led to a heated argument months ago, with Stella expressing her exhaustion and resentment. She clearly communicated to her husband the need for him to take on more responsibility in caring for their daughter and managing the household. This conversation proved effective, as he now shares the care work more equitably and contributes more to household chores, a shift made possible by his part-time employment.
Stella finds fulfillment in her teaching career, despite its demands. Her school is located in a socioeconomically challenged area, which often exposes her to difficult family situations. She recounts instances where she learns about students experiencing domestic violence or neglect, leaving her feeling helpless and overwhelmed.
A recurring theme in Stella’s narrative is the constant dialogue she and her husband have about the value of their work. While they both love their respective jobs, she acknowledges the disparity in their earnings. Her husband finds immense satisfaction in his writing, and when he is working on a book, Stella shoulders a greater share of household responsibilities and childcare. This situation presents a dilemma for Stella: she wants to support her husband’s passion, recognizing its importance to his well-being, but she also feels the added burden it places on her.
It’s a constant balancing act. He wants to be fulfilled by his work, with compensation being a secondary consideration. She understands his point of view, but they both recognize that his career choice is subsidized by her stable income. This realization occasionally brings about a feeling of unease for Stella, a questioning of fairness and a concern about her own needs. She copes by regularly jogging and going to the gym, activities that allow her to de-stress and recharge.
Stella admits to wishing her husband earned more, which would alleviate their financial constraints. A higher income would enable them to afford a larger apartment, as their current 75-square-meter space feels cramped, especially when her husband’s daughter from a previous marriage visits. The two girls share a single bedroom, adding to the feeling of congestion.
Despite these challenges, they manage to make ends meet and can afford to travel at least twice a year. However, they lack a significant financial buffer, which causes Stella considerable stress. As a civil servant, she has private health insurance and must initially pay out of pocket for medical expenses for herself and her daughter before being reimbursed. Their tight budget forced Stella to ask her mother for financial assistance with their daughter’s private daycare tuition, which she finds embarrassing.
Looking ahead, Stella sees no immediate solutions to their financial situation. She hopes that her daughter’s health will improve in the coming months and years, based on positive medical prognoses. She anticipates that this improvement will lead to a reduction in stress and care responsibilities, allowing her to feel more relaxed overall.
Stella’s story encapsulates the complex interplay of finances, family dynamics, and personal fulfillment in modern relationships. It is a testament to the sacrifices couples make to support each other’s dreams and navigate the challenges of raising a family, all while striving for financial stability and personal well-being. Her honesty reveals the emotional toll that can accompany being the primary breadwinner, the importance of open communication, and the ongoing need for couples to reassess and adjust their roles and responsibilities to achieve a more equitable and sustainable balance.
