The Rise of Gentle Parenting: Is it Working, and at What Cost?
A viral TikTok video showcasing two young sisters resolving a dispute with remarkable emotional intelligence has ignited a fierce debate about gentle parenting, a style increasingly popular among Millennial parents. Lauren Reed, a 38-year-old mother from Richmond, Virginia, captured the heartwarming moment when her daughters, aged 6 and 3, calmly discussed their disagreement over blocks after an initial outburst of yelling and tears. Reed, using techniques promoted by gentle parenting, overheard her older daughter using the very language she had modeled. The video, shared on TikTok and Instagram, quickly amassed millions of views, resonating with many parents seeking validation for their chosen approach.
Gentle parenting, as championed by experts like Sarah Ockwell-Smith, author of "The Gentle Parenting Book," emphasizes understanding, empathy, respect, and the establishment of clear boundaries. It encourages parents to treat their children in the way they wished they had been treated, fostering a nurturing environment where children feel heard and validated. This approach stands in contrast to authoritarian parenting, characterized by strict rules and punishments, and permissive parenting, which imposes few rules or discipline. Ockwell-Smith positions gentle parenting as a kinder, more empathetic form of authoritative parenting, fostering closer relationships between caregivers and children.
The central idea is not to avoid discipline but to approach it with empathy and understanding. Instead of immediately resorting to punishment, gentle parents attempt to understand the root cause of a child’s behavior, addressing their emotions and guiding them towards better choices. For instance, instead of yelling at a child for hitting, a gentle parent would acknowledge the child’s anger, help them understand why hitting is wrong, and teach alternative ways to express their feelings.
While the term "gentle parenting" is relatively new, the underlying principles have roots in authoritative parenting, a concept identified by developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind in the 1960s. However, proponents of gentle parenting argue that it goes a step further by placing a greater emphasis on emotional connection and mutual respect.
The rising popularity of gentle parenting reflects a growing desire among parents to break from traditional, often punitive, parenting styles. Commenters on Reed’s viral video expressed their support, emphasizing that gentle parenting is not about letting children get away with everything but about teaching emotional regulation, communication skills, and natural consequences. The hashtag, #GentleParenting, has become a rallying cry for those who believe they are "healing generations" by adopting a more compassionate approach to raising their children.
Child psychologists are observing tangible shifts in young children, noting their increased emotional intelligence and ability to articulate their feelings. Dr. Elizabeth Ortiz-Schwartz, from Silver Hill Hospital in Connecticut, suggests that younger children demonstrate heightened insight into mental health concerns and possess a more sophisticated emotional vocabulary. This enhanced communication allows them to express their needs and emotions more effectively. Similarly, Dr. Stacy Doumas, a child psychiatrist at Hackensack Meridian Jersey Shore University Medical Center, observes that children are increasingly able to discuss their feelings and concerns openly, particularly in environments where they feel validated.
Despite the anecdotal evidence and expert observations, concrete data definitively proving the effectiveness of gentle parenting is still lacking. A 2024 study by Annie Pezalla, a visiting assistant professor of psychology at Macalester College, reveals that the practice of gentle parenting is not always consistent. Some parents who identify as gentle parents may inadvertently employ techniques associated with authoritarian or permissive parenting styles. This diversity within the movement highlights the subjective nature of parenting and the challenges of adhering strictly to any single philosophy.
Furthermore, gentle parenting has drawn criticism, particularly from older generations who perceive it as overly permissive. Some critics argue that it lacks the structure and discipline necessary to prepare children for the real world. However, proponents of gentle parenting contend that this criticism often stems from a misunderstanding of the approach. It is not about avoiding discipline or coddling children but about guiding them with empathy and respect, helping them develop into emotionally intelligent and responsible individuals.
One of the most significant challenges of gentle parenting is the emotional toll it takes on parents. It demands a high level of emotional investment, requiring parents to constantly regulate their own emotions while responding to their children’s needs with patience and understanding. This can be particularly challenging in stressful situations, leading to feelings of exhaustion and overwhelm. Reed herself acknowledges that gentle parenting is emotionally exhausting but emphasizes that the "little wins" make it all worthwhile.
Ockwell-Smith stresses that gentle parenting is a long-term investment, building a strong bond between caregiver and child that extends throughout their lives. It doesn’t offer immediate gratification, and parents should expect their children to still exhibit challenging behaviors like crying, tantrums, and sibling rivalry. The difference lies in how these behaviors are addressed, creating a supportive environment where children feel heard and validated.
Interestingly, Pezalla’s 2024 study uncovered that many self-identified gentle parents were themselves gentle-parented, suggesting a potential cycle of positive parenting. These parents reported strong relationships with their own parents and a desire to replicate that experience with their own children.
The increased demands on parents, regardless of their chosen parenting style, have been highlighted by former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy, who issued a public health warning about the potential dangers of parenting. The report revealed that a significant percentage of parents experience overwhelming stress that impacts their ability to function.
Ockwell-Smith argues that these increased stress levels are not solely attributable to gentle parenting but are exacerbated by societal factors such as inadequate paid parental leave, high childcare costs, and limited access to early education. She emphasizes the importance of self-care for gentle parents, reminding them to prioritize their own needs and well-being.
Reed echoes this sentiment, acknowledging that one of the most difficult aspects of gentle parenting is managing her own emotions and recognizing when she needs a break. She admits to not being perfect and acknowledges that she sometimes gets frustrated with her daughters. However, she has learned to repair and reconnect with them after difficult days, emphasizing that "it’s really hard work but it’s so worth it." Her advice is to "lay down the groundwork early so you can have the best relationship with them forever."
In conclusion, gentle parenting represents a shift towards a more empathetic and understanding approach to raising children. While its effectiveness is still being studied, anecdotal evidence and expert observations suggest that it can foster emotional intelligence and strong parent-child relationships. However, it also requires a significant emotional investment from parents and may not be suitable for everyone. Ultimately, the choice of parenting style is a personal one, and the most important thing is to create a nurturing and supportive environment where children can thrive. The debate surrounding gentle parenting underscores the evolving landscape of child-rearing and the ongoing search for the best ways to raise happy, healthy, and well-adjusted individuals. The current generation is showing increasing signs of emotional intelligence and awareness which indicates the potential benefit of these styles of parenting.
