Finding Family: Navigating the Complexities of DNA Discoveries

The allure of discovering long-lost relatives has captivated many, fueled by readily available at-home DNA tests. But what happens after that initial connection? How do you navigate the intricate emotional landscape of newfound family ties while honoring existing relationships?

On Vox’s Explain It to Me podcast, these questions are explored in depth with journalist Libby Copeland, author of "The Lost Family: How DNA Testing Is Upending Who We Are." Copeland sheds light on the profound impact of DNA testing on our understanding of family, identity, and belonging.

One listener, Hannah, shared her experience of finding her father online after a lifetime of knowing he was "out there." While thrilled to connect, she was left grappling with the "now what?" question, highlighting the often-unexplored territory that follows these discoveries.

Copeland emphasizes the deeply personal nature of these journeys, noting the fundamental questions they raise about who we are and how we define ourselves. "This whole question around the distinction between biological and non-biological family and roots and identity, it’s everything to me," she says. "I think it’s so intrinsically connected to existential questions around who we are and how we get to decide what to be."

Navigating the First Contact

For those considering reaching out to a newfound relative identified through a DNA test, Copeland stresses the importance of careful consideration. The approach should be tailored to the specific relationship and the available information.

When dealing with a half-sibling connected through a shared father, experts often recommend contacting the father first. This allows him to maintain control over his narrative and potentially introduce you to other family members.

However, the method of contact is crucial. Showing up unannounced or sending impulsive social media messages can be disruptive and overwhelming. A well-crafted letter is often the most sensitive approach. The tone should be thoughtful and respectful, sharing a bit about yourself and your motivations for connecting. It’s best to start small and gradually build a relationship from there.

When a Direct Connection Is Difficult

What if you’ve identified a parent but can’t find their direct contact information, only their children? Copeland suggests a gentle approach: "Hey, I see we’re genetically related based on our DNA test. I’d love to connect and learn a little more about how we’re related. Are you interested?"

Addressing Difficult Questions

One of the most challenging aspects of these reunions is addressing unspoken questions, such as "Why weren’t you there?" or "Why didn’t you look for me?" Copeland acknowledges the weight of these questions, stating that people often tiptoe around them for years.

She shares the story of a woman who discovered her adoption as an adult, only to be met with dismissiveness from her biological father. This experience left her with unanswered questions about her biological mother’s thoughts and feelings, highlighting the emotional vulnerability involved.

Ultimately, a positive outcome depends on the willingness of all parties to engage. Some individuals may be unable or unwilling to embrace a newfound relative due to personal circumstances or hidden secrets.

The Quest for Identity

Many people seek out biological relatives in search of a deeper understanding of themselves. They want to see familiar features, understand inherited traits, and feel a sense of belonging. This desire is particularly profound for those who are adopted or donor-conceived.

Copeland recounts the story of a sperm donor who connected with many of his biological children. They marveled at their shared mannerisms, interests, and even physical resemblances, demonstrating the undeniable power of genetics.

The Perils of Oversimplification

However, Copeland cautions against oversimplifying the role of genetics. Interpreting DNA test results as a blueprint for the future can lead to inaccurate assumptions and disappointment. "The danger of the promise of DNA testing when it’s used like this can be that we interpret it in a simplistic way: ‘The blueprint for my future means I’m inevitably destined to be XYZ.’ And that’s not true."

She notes instances where individuals, eager to find family, have misread patterns and attributed traits based on preconceived notions of genetic identity.

Balancing New and Existing Relationships

Perhaps the most delicate aspect of finding family is managing existing relationships. How do you explore newfound connections without alienating or hurting the people who have always been there for you?

Copeland emphasizes that it’s not a matter of nature versus nurture. "You can have room in your heart for both." It’s possible to acknowledge the significance of biological ties without diminishing the importance of the family who raised you.

Those who have successfully navigated these situations have maintained open communication with their existing family, reassuring them of their continued love and commitment while expressing their desire to explore their genetic heritage.

Ultimately, finding family through DNA testing is a complex and deeply personal journey. It requires sensitivity, patience, and a willingness to navigate the emotional complexities that arise. By approaching these discoveries with thoughtfulness and respect, it is possible to forge meaningful connections and enrich our understanding of ourselves and our place in the world. Even if we don’t have all the language we need yet to describe these new relationships, it doesn’t mean that we can’t find room in our hearts for them.