This article discusses suicide and suicidal ideation. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org.
The language we use to describe suicide matters. It shapes how we understand it, how we react to it, and how we support those affected by it. This is something I learned firsthand after my mother died.
When I first shared the news of her death, I said she "committed suicide." It was the phrase I had heard most of my life, a reflex born of habit and cultural conditioning. I didn’t pause to consider its implications; it simply came naturally.
But as I grappled with the inexplicable loss and sought to understand the "why" behind my mother’s decision – a retired nurse who cherished her eight grandchildren – I embarked on a journey of learning. I devoured information about suicide, seeking insights and answers. And that’s when I realized the language I had been using was not only inaccurate but also potentially harmful.
I learned that the more appropriate and sensitive way to phrase it is "died by suicide." It might seem like a minor change, a mere semantic adjustment, but the impact can be profound.
The phrase "commit suicide" carries a historical baggage. It suggests a criminal act, an intentional transgression. This harkens back to a time when suicide was indeed considered a crime in many societies, punishable by law. While those laws have largely been repealed, the stigma associated with the term lingers.
Dr. Christine Moutier, the medical director for The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, eloquently explained this to me. Using the word "commit" implies wrongdoing, a moral failing. It further stigmatizes suicide and mental health issues, creating a barrier that prevents people from seeking help when they need it most. We wouldn’t say "commit cancer" or "commit a heart attack," would we? It implies something willful and morally reprehensible.
Our words have power. They shape our perceptions and influence our understanding. The way we write and talk about suicide both reflects and reinforces the cultural attitudes surrounding it. This is why careful and intentional language is so crucial.
It’s okay to make mistakes. We all do. I still catch myself wincing when I hear someone use the phrase "commit suicide" or encounter it in a novel or film. When I feel comfortable, I gently share the alternative phrasing with them, explaining why it’s important. As we learn, we can do better. We can educate ourselves and others, fostering a more compassionate and understanding environment. The most important thing is that we are talking about it, that we are breaking the silence surrounding suicide.
Beyond the specific phrasing of "died by suicide," there are other important considerations when discussing this sensitive topic.
One of the most heartbreaking aspects of losing someone to suicide is the isolation that often follows. People, unsure of what to say or do, sometimes avoid those who are grieving. The fear of saying the wrong thing, of inadvertently making things worse, can lead to unintentional isolation. But this avoidance only deepens the stigma and sense of shame that those bereaved by suicide often experience.
Dr. Moutier suggests treating a death by suicide like any other type of death. Acknowledge the loss. Say the person’s name. Express your condolences. Share memories. Offer support.
Another common reaction to a suicide is the obsessive search for answers, particularly in the form of a note. After my mother died, so many people asked, "Did she leave a note?" It was as if they believed that a few last words, written in a moment of profound distress, could somehow encapsulate the complexity of a human life and explain the inexplicable act of suicide.
Suicide is rarely, if ever, the result of a single cause. It’s a complex health outcome, influenced by a multitude of factors, including mental health conditions, genetic predispositions, environmental stressors, and life experiences. As Dr. Moutier explained, the person’s brain in those moments is not the healthy, well brain that they typically possess. "The person did not choose to do it. The brain in those moments is not the healthy well brain of that person at 99.9% of the other times of their life. If you have that frame, the person succumbed to their distress." It’s not a willful act, as many people assume.
Similarly, when discussing suicide attempts, it’s important to avoid the term "unsuccessful suicide." This phrasing implies that death would have been a positive outcome, which is inherently problematic. The more appropriate term is "attempted suicide."
Finally, it’s crucial to remember that we can all play a role in preventing suicide. If you notice someone isolating themselves, withdrawing from activities they once enjoyed, or expressing feelings of hopelessness or despair, it’s okay to ask them how they are doing.
"Suicidal thoughts are not a reason to stop the conversation and call 911. They are a signal of distress," Dr. Moutier emphasizes. "Suicidal thoughts are just the brain trying to come up with solutions for distress … they are not always a sign that the person is about to act on that."
You don’t need to be a mental health professional to listen to someone who is struggling. You don’t have to solve their problems. Simply offering a listening ear, showing empathy, and letting them know that they are not alone can make a world of difference.
We can help prevent suicide. But we can’t prevent all suicides. It’s important to remember that, and to not blame ourselves if someone we care about dies by suicide. If someone opens up to you and shares their struggles, come back and check on them. That simple act can be a powerful signal that you appreciate their vulnerability and that you care. It reinforces the idea that it was okay for them to share.
Talking about suicide is never easy, but it’s essential. By using careful and compassionate language, by breaking the silence and stigma, and by offering support to those who are struggling, we can create a world where people feel safe to seek help and where fewer lives are lost to this preventable tragedy.
