The Ideal MAGA Man: A Parody

Introduction

Behold, the epitome of American manhood as envisioned by the former President: the Ideal MAGA Man. A model citizen in the society he aspired to build upon the ruins of the present one. Through his words, actions, and the conduct of his entourage, I have meticulously crafted this persona to embody all that he desires us to be.

Unfair Advantages and Disregard for Empathy

As a white male, I possess a substantial advantage from the outset. This inherent privilege might seem unjust to some, yet concern for the perspectives of others contradicts the Ideal MAGA Man creed. Thus, I shall cast aside such thoughts, embracing my privileged position while simultaneously lamenting my victimization online.

Obsequious Idolization of the God-King

Central to the Ideal MAGA Man persona is an unwavering adoration for the God-King President. Trump, the "greatest president of all time" (as many purportedly attest), a paragon of stability and genius, an extraordinary golfer, and the sole individual capable of bringing peace and prosperity to not only Earth but the entire cosmos.

As Secretary of State Marco Rubio eloquently proclaimed, "The only leader in the world who can make this happen, who can even bring people together to begin to talk about it in a serious way, is President Trump. He’s the only one in the world that can do that right now." By repeating this phrase four times in a brief interview, Rubio established an exemplary standard for those aspiring to Ideal MAGA Manhood.

Denial of Vulnerabilities and Reliance on External Support

A true Trump-merican male must project an unyielding facade of self-sufficiency. We acknowledge no psychological distress, no need for governmental assistance, no reliance on education for our children, and certainly no dependence on social safety nets such as Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid. The Ideal MAGA Man forges his own path, unaided by the "government," which we detest due to the relentless attacks it faces from Trump’s loyal ally, Elon Musk.

We are impervious to criticism and seek no solace in the opinions of others. We stand steadfast, embodying a rock-solid demeanor and basking in the admiration of all, particularly our fathers, who have undoubtedly bestowed upon us ample hugs.

Zealous Patriotism and Disdain for Allies

As we strive to embody the Ideal MAGA Man, we must embrace an unwavering patriotism towards the vision of America espoused by the former President. This includes a disdain for U.S. allies and an unwavering love for Russian President Vladimir Putin.

We recognize that Putin’s image may not grace many patriotic Chevy truck advertisements featuring Bob Seger’s anthem "Like a Rock." However, we anticipate this oversight will soon be rectified. And if not, we shall applaud Trump’s resolute efforts to utilize the government’s authority to dismantle Chevrolet and imprison its executives for their disloyalty to American/Trump values.

Rejection of Criticism and Embracing Extremes

No obstacle shall hinder our pursuit of MAGA perfection. We shall don our "We Love Putin!" t-shirts and embrace the extremist far-right German party endorsed by Musk and Vice President J.D. Vance. This represents the (new) American way.

We will profess a profound Christian faith while seldom attending church and flagrantly flouting the teachings of Jesus Christ. In fact, we shall cultivate a deep-seated hatred for anyone who differs from us, mocking them relentlessly and actively opposing their elevation to positions of influence.

We shall perceive criticism from the Pope and the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops as a badge of honor and applaud Trump’s efforts to expunge the term "hypocrisy" from all U.S. dictionaries and textbooks.

Denial of Reality and Absolute Loyalty

In the final stage of Ideal MAGA Man evolution, we swear upon a Trump-branded Bible to abandon our belief in truth. Only Trump’s word holds inviolable authority. For instance, when Trump recently claimed to have approval ratings of 71 and 69, an Ideal MAGA Man would refrain from pointing out that such numbers have never been recorded and that several recent polls actually indicate underwater approval ratings.

We will speak no such blasphemy, for we are Ideal MAGA Men. We believe implicitly in the words of President Trump, the only leader in the world who could possibly possess historically unprecedented approval ratings.

Conclusion

Thus, I have become MAGA, a destroyer of reason.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.