The Complex Reality of Transracial Adoption: Beyond the TikTok Glow

The rise of transracial adoption, where parents adopt children of a different race, has gained significant attention in recent years. Figures like Pete Buttigieg, who, along with his husband Chasten, are raising adopted Black children, have brought the topic into mainstream conversation. Social media platforms like TikTok are filled with seemingly heartwarming videos of White parents styling their Black children’s hair and seeking advice. The comments are often overwhelmingly positive, celebrating the beauty of the child and praising the parents’ efforts. But this rosy portrayal doesn’t always reflect the lived experiences of transracial adoptees, particularly those who grew up decades ago when resources and awareness were limited.

While the increased visibility and available resources for transracial adoptive families are encouraging, many adult transracial adoptees are now sharing their stories to provide a more nuanced and complete picture. They aim to counter what they see as an overly optimistic narrative that often overlooks the challenges and complexities they faced growing up. These adoptees hope that by sharing their experiences, they can contribute to a better understanding of the needs of Black adoptees and improve their overall well-being.

DezaRay Mons, who identifies as @TheOutspokenAdoptee online, is a transracial infant adoptee who grew up in the 1980s. She uses her platform to raise awareness about the issues she faced and to ensure that prospective parents considering transracial adoption today have a comprehensive understanding of the experience. Mons emphasizes that for many transracial adoptees, their first experiences with microaggressions often come from within their own White adoptive families.

Mary-Noreen Troup’s story highlights the deep-seated trauma that can result from transracial adoption when not handled with sensitivity and awareness. Troup discovered later in life that she is biracial, with a White mother and a Black father. Her mother’s family was racist, and she was ultimately given up for adoption. Troup’s White adoptive parents, who took her in from foster care, struggled to accept her Black heritage.

The trauma Troup experienced didn’t fully surface until adulthood. She recalls her parents’ attempts to erase her Blackness, creating a sense of shame and alienation. They lived in an all-White community and would whisper about her biracial identity, highlighting her difference. Her mother’s frustration with her hair led to painful experiences, further reinforcing the message that her Black features were undesirable. It wasn’t until adulthood that Troup found acceptance and love for her hair within the Black community.

Kristine Brown’s experience echoes similar themes. Her White adoptive family, who were Italian, dismissed her concerns about looking different. They encouraged her to identify as a "really tan Italian person," a suggestion that didn’t align with the racial slurs she faced at school. Her parents’ denial of her Black identity was challenged when a middle school guidance counselor confirmed that she was African-American.

These personal narratives align with a growing trend of adoptees of all races speaking out about the difficulties they faced. They offer a different perspective on adoption, one that challenges the often overly positive portrayal presented by the adoption industry. Abigail Hasberry, an adoptee, therapist, and author of "Adopting Privilege," points out that the dominant narrative is often "adoptive-parents heavy and so-savior heavy" that it fails to acknowledge the potential for grieving, loss, and feelings of abandonment. These feelings, she argues, are often suppressed because adoption is presented as inherently beautiful and wonderful.

Hasberry emphasizes the importance of open and honest conversations about race within adoptive families. While her mother was open about race and racial differences, Hasberry acknowledges that there are still aspects of her experience that her adoptive family will never fully understand.

Pete Buttigieg acknowledges the challenges of raising children of a different racial identity. He recognizes the need to connect them with mentors and people in their lives who can help them navigate a society that is not colorblind.

Karasalla Patton, who grew up in a predominantly White area, felt like she didn’t fit in with her White family or her community. She struggled with the feeling that something was wrong, even though she was constantly told she had a "better life." Her first experience with racism at a church camp, where she was told she couldn’t play with Black children, was dismissed by her parents. They failed to acknowledge the reality of racial prejudice and its potential impact on her life.

The conversations around adoption in general have evolved in recent years. Tyler and Catelynn Baltierra, known from the show "Teen Mom," have been vocal about seeing adoption as a form of trauma following their loss of contact with their birth daughter. For transracial adoption, adoptees emphasize the need for more open and honest dialogue about the process.

Patton stresses that adopting a child of a different race requires a commitment to learning, un-learning, and growing, even when it’s uncomfortable. She emphasizes the importance of prioritizing the child’s cultural, ethnic, and racial background, even if the child desires to assimilate. Patton argues that true assimilation is not possible for Black children, as their proximity to Whiteness does not protect them from racism. This includes providing proper hair care and engaging in open conversations about how people may treat them differently based on their skin color.

Joni Schwartz, a White woman who adopted her Black daughter Rebecca, acknowledges that she would have approached things differently knowing what she knows now. She emphasizes the importance of education and preparation, particularly in understanding White privilege and White saviorism.

Elizabeth Bartholet, a researcher and emeritus law professor at Harvard Law School, is a transracial, international adoptive parent herself. She admits to feeling inadequate at times in dealing with the racism her Peruvian-born children faced. While acknowledging that a Peruvian parent might have been better equipped to handle those issues, she emphasizes the importance of self-education and awareness. Bartholet reminds herself and others that transracial adoption is not the only issue in life and that there are many facets to being a great parent.

Ultimately, creating a supportive and nurturing environment for transracial adoptees requires openness, honesty, and a willingness to learn. The increasing visibility of transracial adoption on social media, coupled with the growing number of adoptees sharing their stories, offers hope for more well-rounded conversations about the complexities of the process. The comments and questions from adoptive parents, like those expressed by Pete Buttigieg, indicate a growing awareness and a desire to do what is best for their children.