Beyond Butler Parenting: Boxing Coach Donte Brown on Raising Gritty, Happy Kids
Donte Brown isn’t just training boxers; he’s shaping lives. He sees the boxing ring as a microcosm of life, a place where kids can learn resilience, independence, and the ability to overcome adversity. Brown, who runs Donte’s Boxing Gym in the Washington D.C. suburbs, believes that many of the challenges young athletes face stem from a pervasive parenting style he calls "butler parenting," a practice that undermines a child’s confidence and ability to cope with the inevitable bumps in the road.
When you entrust your child to Brown, you’re not just signing them up for boxing lessons. You’re placing them in an environment where discomfort is embraced as a catalyst for growth. While Brown acknowledges that boxing coaches can make even the most daunting situations feel manageable, he emphasizes that comfort isn’t the ultimate goal. "I’m not doing it for your comfort," he declares, "I’m doing it because it’s going to help you get a little bit sharper. And it may exhaust you a little bit, but at the same time, if you stick with this, I guarantee you by the time you leave today, you’ll be more proud of yourself than you would if you just quit now."
Brown’s experience extends beyond boxing. At 33, he has trained professional and amateur boxers, MMA fighters, and UFC competitors. However, his message resonates deeply with children and their parents. Having worked with thousands of individuals, from 4 to 81 years old, Brown uses the discipline and rigor of boxing to cultivate independent thinking and leadership skills in young people, particularly boys and girls.
He believes this approach is essential in a world saturated with "butler parenting," a term he explores in his book, "How Coddling Kids Is Killing Kids’ Confidence." His gym is a testament to his philosophy: participation trophies are nonexistent. Instead, the focus is on genuine growth and earned achievement. As Jillian Copeland, who has known Brown for a decade and collaborates with him through her nonprofit, Main Street, explains, "He’s trying to build kids that are gritty and happy." Copeland’s organization serves individuals with disabilities, and Brown has trained three of her four sons, including Nicol, who has special needs, since he was a teenager.
Copeland admits to struggling with the urge to shield her children from hardship. "I’m just as guilty as other parents of this, but we keep trying to fix our children and make their lives as easy as they can be because their pain is our pain," she says. "And I think what I learned from Donte’ is it’s theirs and not ours. And if we fix it, heal it, buy it, if we take it over, we’re not helping." She emphasizes the transformative impact Brown has on his students: "He is such an amazing human that is changing the world one student at a time.”
Brown believes that parents need to adopt a boxing coach’s mindset when raising their athletes. Many children arrive at his gym lacking emotional maturity, and while he addresses these symptoms, he believes the underlying cause often lies at home, where parents inadvertently hinder their child’s ability to manage stress. He sees a pattern extending beyond the familiar "helicopter parent" archetype – a parenting style he labels "butler parenting."
"Butler parenting," Brown writes, "is a consistent behavior in which parents take over tasks their children should be learning to do on their own." This arises when parents become uncomfortable with their children facing adversity or fear their potential failure.
Brittany Love-Campbell, principal of Gaithersburg High School, readily acknowledges her own struggles with butler parenting. Her daughter, Brielle, 10, has been training with Brown for three years. "I am convinced that when Donte’ wrote the chapter, Butler Parenting, he was talking to me," she admits. "Sometimes, I tell myself it’s easier and faster for me to do things rather than teach my children because I have had a long day (or week) and just want to be done with it. Or, to keep them safe in my eyes, I avoid allowing them out of my sight for long. But this doesn’t teach them how to do things independently, or how to learn to be aware of their own surroundings. They won’t always have me, and Donte’ reminds me that I have to let them figure some things out for themselves, even though I can provide guidance along the way."
The pitfalls of butler parenting manifest in various situations, from classroom errors to on-field missteps. In the boxing ring, it’s the moment when a child gets hit, struggles to retaliate, and looks to their parents for guidance. A parental expression of horror can be devastating, potentially leading to the child quitting.
"Kids aren’t necessarily learning how to deal with small adversities," Brown explains. "They don’t build up the mental callous to be able to learn to overcome difficult things, even at the smallest levels. When you become an adult, those small inconveniences or small things become more challenging and they have bigger consequences."
He points to the common parental habits of packing athletic bags, filling water bottles, tying shoes (even for 18-year-olds), and providing wakeup calls for college students. This reluctance to let go ultimately backfires.
Brown advocates for parents to take a deep breath and offer a reassuring presence that encourages the child to persevere. Copeland learned this lesson firsthand through her son, Nicol, now 25. "We’re seeing some kids that are older that are really struggling for many reasons, but one of them could be that they don’t have to solve a problem, they’re not resilient, they didn’t build a toolbox because we provided the tools for them, because we didn’t want to see them do stuff that was hard or painful or challenging," she reflects. "And I think that’s a big mistake for us parents, and I learned that with Nicol."
She admits to trying to level the playing field for Nicol, making life easier for him. "And then when he got older and he started to see that his life looked different than his brothers and his cousins, he was grieving. He had a lot of challenges, and that’s part of why I did it: Trying to make life a little softer for him. But I’m not sure that was the right thing in retrospect."
Brown’s guidance helped her understand the importance of supporting Nicol without taking over. "If you stand side by side with them and let them walk through it, and you walk next to them as a support versus holding them or carrying them… being side by side but not taking over, because we disempower people with that."
Brown’s own journey shaped his perspective. Growing up in Northeast Washington D.C., boxing provided him with a sense of control and predictability. This experience, combined with his roles as an elementary school teacher, at-risk mentor, counselor, and coach, taught him that kids crave leadership and consistent guidance.
"There’s a crisis of leadership in the world today," he asserts, "and I think it’s why so many younger generations kind of brush off a lot of older generations; they don’t see a lot of older generations actually living the example of the same advice that they may be giving them." He notes that athletes and entertainers often resonate with youth because they "actually see them living their truth out loud."
He uses Stephen Curry as an example of someone who lives his truth, consistently performing at a high level throughout his NBA career. He emphasizes that parents and coaches have the unique advantage of being constantly present in their children’s lives and should strive for the same unwavering consistency.
Love-Campbell describes Brown as "kind, but firm." "He has high expectations and requires his clients to rise to the occasion. When Brielle makes mistakes, she has to do extra push ups. However, these extra push ups aren’t a real punishment. They are still building her strength. They make her think about her mistakes so she can avoid them. And Donte’ does this without being rude. He doesn’t yell or even get angry."
He explains things to Brielle in a way she can understand, fostering a deeper understanding of her actions. Brown emphasizes the importance of following through on commitments. If a child is told they can’t play until their chores are done, that rule must be enforced. Failure to do so undermines parental credibility.
"The next time you ask them to do something, they’re going to remember what you did the first time," he says. "Sometimes you have to be a bit of an enforcer because that’s what’s going to make a deposit of respect for you from your child later. It’s like a compounding interest."
Brown avoids yelling at his fighters, viewing it as a sign of weakness. "Kids become numb to it, because it’s like an empty threat. They’re seeing a person lose their composure to try to get them to do something. So it’s almost like they’re feeling already: ‘Well, look what I got you to look like. So it’s almost like, who has the real power here?’"
Instead, he employs "quiet aggression," a method designed to inspire while providing a sense of security. He uses compliments strategically, like jabs, balancing them with constructive criticism to maintain discipline and motivation.
He offers praise contingent on effort, keeping the focus on the task at hand rather than external factors. He even encourages parents to step into the ring themselves, allowing them to experience the challenges firsthand.
Brown’s own path to success was paved with obstacles. He earned his college tuition through a program for at-risk youth and worked at a local gym, eventually becoming its owner.
"Those of us that have really, truly earned our position, we know about the failures that we’ve had to endure and get over," he says. "We’ve known about the bad company. We’ve known about the bad teachers, the bad coaches. So when we do win in something based off the time that we’ve put in, based off the effort that we’ve put in, it is super crucial for us to recognize that when we do something that we’ve won, that we truly know that we’ve won."
He is a firm believer in abolishing participation trophies, viewing them as a source of entitlement. "Participating is the bare minimum," he states. "This is where entitlement starts kicking in, and we start giving them things just because they’re doing what we’re asking them to do. Then when they become adults, they’re going to just start to feel like, well, I should get just because I showed up to work, I should get something just because I answered the phone or email. What about me? I think that’s why I have an almost hatred for participation trophies."
Instead of offering empty rewards, he provides scholarships through Dontes Boxing and Wellness Foundation, his nonprofit, enabling young athletes to train and serve their community.
Love-Campbell emphasizes Brown’s role as a positive example for young Black men. "When we talk about people who are judged or thought of to not make it in life, people imagine someone like Donte’. Yet he beat all odds and has his boxing gym located in the heart of one of the most diverse areas in the country. He works with people of all ages and races, and shows them that with hard work, passion, and a desire to continue learning, they can be successful too."
Brown extends his impact beyond the boxing ring, partnering with Copeland’s Main Street to teach classes to individuals with disabilities. He challenges conventional expectations, encouraging everyone to push their limits.
"Because I work with people with disabilities, I find that people often set the bar very low," Copeland explains. "But Donte’ was like, ‘No, if I’m doing 10 push-ups, you can do 10 push-ups.’ And sure enough, look around the room, and everybody’s boxing, and everyone’s doing push-ups. And these are really, really rigorous workouts, and they’re all doing it."
She emphasizes the empowering effect Brown has on her community. "The lift and the empowerment and the sort of like, you can do this was such a beautiful thing for my community, and also reminded me that every other instructor needed to be like Donte’ and expect that you have the capacity and capability to do this… and if it’s something you can’t do, that’s OK, but get back in the game and let’s do what you can."
Donte Brown’s approach to coaching and parenting offers a powerful antidote to the pitfalls of over-protectiveness. By fostering resilience, independence, and a willingness to embrace challenges, he empowers young people to become gritty, happy, and successful individuals. He reminds us that sometimes, the best way to support our children is to stand beside them, not carry them, as they navigate the inevitable punches life throws their way.
