The Temptation of Yes: Why We End Up Doing Things We Don’t Want to Do
This article is part of ZEIT am Wochenende’s issue 07/2025.
As I sit down to write this essay, a question lingers in my mind: Why am I doing this if it’s not something I truly wish to engage in? The answer, as it often is, is a complex one. Allow me to elaborate.
A few weeks ago, I found myself at a book fair, where I was approached by a colleague who proposed that I pen an essay on the topic of saying no. Despite my initial reservations, I found myself uttering the dreaded words: "Yes, of course. I’ll do it."
In hindsight, I can pinpoint several reasons for my acquiescence. First and foremost, I must confess that the subject matter intrigued me. The concept of saying no, the audacity of asserting one’s boundaries, stirred something within me. It was a challenge I felt compelled to take on.
Moreover, there was a sense of urgency in my colleague’s request that pressured me into giving an immediate response. Instead of taking time to consider the implications of my commitment, I let myself be swept away by the moment and blurted out a hasty "Yes."
As the deadline for the essay approached, the full weight of my decision dawned upon me. I realized that I had underestimated the time and effort required to produce a piece of writing that met my own standards of quality. A nagging voice in my head whispered doubts and urged me to reconsider my commitment.
But why, I wondered, did I find myself in this predicament in the first place? Why do we, as individuals, so often succumb to the temptation of saying yes to things we don’t truly want to do?
Our reasons, I believe, are multifaceted and deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. One explanation lies in our innate desire for social acceptance. We fear being perceived as disagreeable or uncooperative, so we tend to say yes in order to conform to societal expectations and maintain positive relationships with others.
Another factor is the fear of missing out. We worry that if we say no to certain opportunities, we will be denying ourselves potentially rewarding experiences. This fear can lead us to overextend ourselves and take on more than we can handle.
Furthermore, we may be driven by a desire to prove our worth to ourselves and others. We may believe that by saying yes to every request, we are demonstrating our competence and value. However, this pursuit of external validation can take a toll on our well-being, as we sacrifice our own needs in an attempt to please others.
In my own case, I believe a combination of these factors contributed to my decision to write this essay. The allure of the topic, the pressure to give an immediate response, and the desire to prove my abilities all played a part.
As I sit here, contemplating the essay that lies before me, I am reminded of the importance of exercising our right to say no. It is not a selfish act but rather an essential tool for self-preservation and personal growth. By learning to decline requests that do not align with our values and priorities, we create space for the things that truly matter to us.
Of course, there are times when saying yes is the right thing to do. It can be a gesture of kindness, a sign of support, or an expression of our commitment to others. However, it is crucial to make these decisions consciously and with a clear understanding of our own boundaries.
Saying no can be empowering. It allows us to take control of our lives and shape our experiences according to our own desires. It can lead to greater self-respect, improved mental health, and a more fulfilling and meaningful life.
As tempting as it may be to succumb to the pressures of others, let us remember the power of no. Let us use it wisely and courageously, to protect our time, our energy, and our emotional well-being.
In the words of the renowned poet Mary Oliver:
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
